Ex Pro Wrestler
Before I give you your last check, Kahuna, I want to sit down and have a talk. I started this wrestling league…no, this corporation out of a high school gymnasium in Philly back in 1975. When were you born…’85? So I’ve had this business ten years longer than you’ve been alive. In that time I’ve seen a lot. I was hustling to sell spots on wooden benches. I kept hustling and by the time the 80s came around we were being shown on local TV in Ohio. By 1993 we were on cable. But you knew that…you grew up watching Championship Wrestling and you knew early on you wanted to a wrestler in my organization.
Trust me, I saw that in you at your tryouts. You had athleticism, prowess, and you could hustle. And look at you. You’re a good-looking kid with your blonde hair and blue eyes, the prototypical surf bum. Look at those muscles. You look like you’re straight out of the beach. That’s why I named you the Big Kahuna. Never mind the fact you were from Delaware. So Kahuna…ah…why the hell am I even calling you that anymore? Shit. Anyhow, Jeremy, you are a talented wrestler. You make the moves look real and no one ever got injured in matches with you.
Tonight was your big shot. Pontiac, Michigan: we sold out every single seat here at the Silverdome. That’s 80,000 fans, kid. Worldwide we had another 3 million viewers. All those people could make or break an entire business. Think of it: how many toys, video games, pay-per-view specials is that? Do you know how hard it is to find a single wrestling fan when you’re out in the street, let alone fill a stadium with 80,000 of them? And I felt the electricity when you walked into that ring tonight. You were glowing and they loved you! And the way you jumped into the ring and started wrestling, it was pure energy!
So how you got an erection there in front of all of those people is beyond me. There were 80,000 silent wrestling fans all staring at those tights of yours and that stiff pecker poking through it. I’ve seen a lot of crazy things…let’s face it…wrestling is a step above a carnival and a step below the circus. That was one big silence there…and it was only matched by that huge roar of boos that followed. They booed you out of the ring and straight out of the stadium. They booed the rest of us out too. We’re lucky to have packed up and left and quite honestly, I’m not sure how we got out of there without getting killed.
So here’s your last check, Jeremy. And just because I like you, I cut you a little bonus. I’m not sure what to tell you and I’m not sure where it goes from here. Maybe we’ll see each other again, maybe we won’t. But the important thing is you and I and about 3 million people out there just move forward and forget about that one pro wrestler named the Big Kahuna.
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